G. I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra

G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra is a video game about tiny, little monsters that can eat metal or control your mind, but it doesn’t work if you’re in love. It will work a little while, though, so I guess it still does work, kinda.

Channing Tatum was the main toy that you don’t get to play with. His name is Duke. He looked just like an action figure and he even had the same stiff movements sometimes. Pretty cool. Marlon Wayans is named Ripcord, which I thought didn’t sound like a person’s name at all. He’s the funny guy in this movie, like he was in Scary Movie and Requiem for a Dream. But he doesn’t do drugs in this movie, so it’s different. It also has that guy from Enemy Mine, that kid with the long hair from 3^rd Rock from the Sun and two really pretty girls that I’m sure had names too.

The movie starts with a scene from Man in the Iron Mask, but it’s not Leonardo DiCaprio, it’s a Scottish guy with long hair. Some French people tell him, you’re a bad guy, and the Scottish guy says, so are you. Then they put a hot metal mask on his face and he doesn’t like it.

Then it’s the future, but not too far, but way far from the past, I think. They didn’t really say. There’s another Scottish guy and he owns Mars. He’s selling tiny, little monsters that can eat tanks if you let them. The Scottish guy lets them and everyone says, cool. Except there’s one guy who does not think it is cool. It’s the guy from Enemy Mine. He’s not angry, but he looked uncomfortable.

America likes the metal eaters and buys some and has the army deliver them to somewhere. The scar guy and the Wayans guy take a briefcase with the monsters into an army car. Then it turns into War of the Worlds. Aliens show up and blow up the army car and I think Duke gets mad. He says he is, but I couldn’t tell. His face didn’t change or anything. He really stuck to his character. One of the pretty girls is leading the aliens. She looks like Britney Spears and does a fight with Duke that looks like a dance. Then Duke says, you’re my ex-girlfriend, and she says, yeah, and the G. I. Joe guys show up and kill the aliens. The girl gets away, though and then Duke has the briefcase, but the Joes want it so they point guns at him. He says, take me with you, and they say, no way. Then they all go to Egypt.

In the desert, underground, is the G. I. Joe summer camp. They do karate and swimming and one girl turns invisible. If I was Duke, I would have wanted to go with them too. But I would’ve smiled when I saw all the stuff they got to do, so I probably wouldn’t have been invited.

The guy from Enemy Mine is called Hawk, but he’s not a bird. He calls the guy that owns Mars and that guy is a hologram then. He walks through Ripcord and Ripcord shivers a little. Then the hologram looks at the case with the monsters in it and says, they’re okay, and then he disappears.

The Joes use computers to find Britney Spears. Duke says, I know her, and they say, knowing is half the battle, and then it goes back in time through a girls hair.

Four years earlier from somewhere, Duke is swing dancing and buys a girl a ring. She says, save my brother. Then it’s over.

In the future, or four years later, or in Egypt, at least, the Joes train Duke and Ripcord to be one of them. They give them really expensive metal suits and guns. Duke has to play jousting with another guy while Brendan Fraser watches and laughs.

I’m not sure what he was doing there. I thought maybe he was looking for another mummy in Egypt and got lost, but it didn’t say what time we were in, so I wasn’t sure. He leaves, anyway, and that was okay.

The bad guys break into Joe Camp and they kill a bunch of people. The bad guys have a ninja and the good guys have a ninja too and the ninjas fight. Nobody wins and the bad guys steal the briefcase and leave. Then we go to Tokyo through someone’s glasses and they show a scene from 3 Ninjas. It’s Rocky and Tum Tum fighting because Tum Tum is hungry, but Rocky doesn’t want him to eat so he beats him up. Then a guy with a long mustache tells them to stop and they do. Then they’re brothers.

In the future, in someplace we haven’t seen yet, the bad guys have a Darth Vader Scientist put the little monsters into peoples’ bodies and then he controls their minds. A snake bites one of them and the guy lets it bite him. Then it’s over.

After the scar guy and the Wayans guy get trained, they all go to France. The bad guys are there too. They brought the briefcase. They all fight and run through the streets of France. Then the bad guys shoot a gun with the monsters in it and it eats the Eiffel Tower and nobody likes that. Especially the French police. They arrest the G. I. Joe guys and tell them, never come back to France. Then they let them go and Duke gets on a plane with his ex-girlfriend and goes to the Aurora Borealis.

The bad guy Scientist puts more monsters in a guy that whistles, “For He’s a Jolly Good Fellow”. He whistles it for a while when the monsters go in him, but then he screams. And his face looks all funny. It bubbles up and he didn’t look good.

The Joes follow the plane that Duke got on and they get a submarine and go underwater with it and find the bad guys’ base. Then they have a space battle underwater. With sharks. The bad guys are losing then. They turn on their Death Star and shoot a big beam at one of the submarines. Everyone says, oh no, and they tell the good ninja to be Obi Wan and shut it down. Then he does.

Duke gets beat up and his ex-girlfriend remembers things that she forgot.

The good ninja goes and finds the bad ninja and they show another scene from 3 Ninjas. It must’ve been the director’s cut, though, because Rocky kills the guy with the long mustache with a sword and Tum Tum doesn’t like that. Probably because he has to find his own food now.

Then Duke meets Darth Vader Scientist and the owner of Mars says, you’re gonna get monsters in your brain, and beats him up a little more. It’s weird, because every time he gets punched his ex-girlfriend remembers more things and she can’t stop looking at Duke. He doesn’t really seem too worried about it, though. He doesn’t even seem worried about the monsters that will be going into his brain either. His face looks like he’s made of plastic and can’t move it. I never saw this guy before, but he must’ve been a really good actor.

The two ninjas are done watching 3 Ninjas and they fight together. The good ninja cuts the bad ninja’s shirt off and pushes him into ice water. Then it’s over.

Then Darth Scientist is about to put the monsters in Duke’s head but his ex-girlfriend remembers that she loves him, so she pushes Darth Vader on the ground, and Duke’s okay. But the scientist wakes up and pushes a button and the ex-girlfriend get pushed on the ground. Darth Vader Scientist laughs and says, she’s my sister, and Duke says, but you’re dead, and Darth says, nope.

The Scottish guy shows up and looks at the girl on the ground, then her Darth brother, then Duke and then a pipe that looks like it could shoot fire. Then it shoots fire. The Scottish guy is happy because Duke is going to be on fire, but Duke found a gun that shoots air and it blows the fire back and the Scottish guy is not happy anymore. He’s on fire. Then Darth Scientist and the Scottish guy run away into a ship that flies through water.

Duke’s ex-girlfriend is his girlfriend again, kinda, and they both run after the other two guys. It’s weird though because Duke’s girlfriend kissed the Scottish Mars guy earlier and then the next scene she loves Duke. She also spent most of the movie beating him up and taking his briefcase, but then when she stops Darth Scientist from putting the monsters in him, he says, that’s all I ever wanted, and they’re in love again. I guess that’s what love is.

In the space battle, outside, underwater, the Joes are still winning. They were always winning, I think. But the Scottish guy and the Scientist blow up their base and everyone has to leave.

Then Darth helps Mars with his burned body and turns him into more of a machine, now, than man. He puts monsters into his body that make metal instead of eat metal and then his face turns shiny. The Scientist says, I’m a commander, and silver face says, okay. The G. I. Joes are waiting outside their ship while the Emperor finishes Anakin’s transformation and they take them to jail. Electronic jail. Then everyone in the world is safe because America is better at war than the bad guys.

But then they’re not safe, because the president is whistling at the end. He’s whistling, “For He’s a Jolly Good Fellow.” He’s a bad guy, then, and the world is in trouble, but it’s America’s fault.