Inglourious Basterds

Inglourious Basterds is a documentary about how Hitler wasn’t any good. He had a lot of guys on his side, but he used guns for it, so it still wasn’t any good. Also, he was scared of bears. Jewish Bears, anyway.

Brad Pitt was a basterd in the movie with a scar on his neck. He had an under bite and talked funny like he did in that one movie where he was a boxer and that other movie when he moved in with Han Solo.

Austin Powers was in this movie too, but he went back in time instead of forward in time. He must’ve gotten braces before World War II, when he was in the future, because he had different teeth in this movie. He didn’t bring his girlfriend from the other movies either, so that wasn’t fun.

Before the movie, I bought peanut M&M’s and that part was pretty good.

At first, when the movies starts, it says Chapter One on the screen and I thought, oh no I’m gonna have to read, like a book, but then I remembered it was a movie and that was okay. And then the guys on the screen that weren’t Austin Powers or Brad Pitt talked in sound effects or a different language. They had to put real words on the screen so I could know what they were saying, and it turns out I did have to read the movie like a book. But then the guys didn’t really say anything, so I started looking at the people in the seats next to me.

Eventually one guy wrote on the screen by talking and it said, hey do you know English, and the other guy said, WEE!, and they talked in English and I didn’t have to read anymore, for a little bit. Then when the guys talked in English, they didn’t really say anything except about rats and how nobody likes rats. And that was fine, I guess, but I didn’t know why rats were brought up at all. But it didn’t matter because the guy that said WEE! was hiding Anne Frank in the basement and the other guys shot at her, but she ran away into the future.

Then it was Chapter Two and Brad Pitt was talking to some younger guys about Nazis. He says, they’re bad, and everyone, says, yep, and they decide that they’re going to kill Nazis, which is probably a good idea since they’re in war against them.

Then they show a Bugs Bunny cartoon, kinda, and Hitler is silly and angry and it’s funny. It’s real people and not drawings, but it’s still funny. He has such a silly mustache. Hitler says, no more Jewish bears. Then it’s over.

The basterds come back and cut off Nazi hair. They keep a couple guys alive and talk to them for a little bit. Brad Pitt says, do you know this one guy, and one of the Nazis says, yep.

I didn’t know him though, but it was okay because the guy from Snakes on a Plane did a flashback and told everyone who he was. The movie was like the History Channel, then. Mace Windu said that the one guy liked to kill Nazis and the basterds liked to too so they said, you should come with us. Then he comes with them.

It goes back to Brad Pitt and he says, tell me about snipers. The Nazi says, no way, and swears at Brad, but Brad doesn’t like that. He says, come here Jewish bear, and then they show a dark tunnel that has a clicking noise in it. Then they show the Nazi guys face. Then the tunnel again. Then the guys face again. Then I ate some M&M’s. Then they showed the tunnel again. Then the Nazi guys face again. Then a guy walks out with a baseball bat. Brad Pitt said, this is a bear, but it looked like a guy to me. He didn’t have fur and he didn’t growl or anything, he just liked baseball, which didn’t seem like something bears enjoyed at all. He had a bat, anyway, but he didn’t hit baseballs with it. He hit faces. He hit the Nazi guys face with it and the Nazi guy died. It was pretty cool.

Then it was Chapter Three. Anne Frank owned a movie theater and talked in French. They must have left that part out of her diary. She meets a Nazi guy and the Nazi guy says, I like movies, but Anne Frank is not impressed. She shows him her diary though and he says, my names Fredrick, and Anne Frank walks away.

Later, Anne Frank is smoking and reading and eating and Fredrick shows up. She says, you’re a Nazi, and he says, yep. Then she walks away again.

She goes to dinner with some other Nazi guys and Fredrick is there. He says, I’m in a movie. Then the guy who shot at her in the beginning of the movie is there too. He says, I want strudel, and he orders some for Anne and she doesn’t want it but eats it anyway. Then the guy says, I like cream, and Anne Frank cries. Then it’s over.

Anne Frank talks to her friend at the movie theater and says, we’re going to burn down the theater with the Nazis in it. I knew what she meant, but the leader of S.H.I.E.L.D. explains it anyway. It was like science class then, and I ran out of M&M’s.

It’s Chapter Four when Austin Powers comes in. I think time travel was not good for him. He looks older in the past than in the future. He says, you’re going to kill Nazis, to a British guy and the guy says, okay. Then he says, you’re going to meet up with a movie star too, and the other guy says, okay. Then he goes to France.

The British guy goes to a bar with two basterds and the movie star and they play a card game with a Nazi. It wasn't just any card game, it was a guessing game. They explained the rules really well, but I forgot what they were. It looked like fun, though. And there was drinking too. Good drinking. I wanted to be there.

But then I didn’t want to be there. Because the Nazi guy gets shot in his peepers. Then everyone gets shot, but not in the peepers. They get shot in the life, and die. Except the movie star. She was too pretty. She only gets shot in the leg and Brad Pitt saves her, kinda.

Brad Pitt puts his finger in the movie star, but not like that. He pokes her in her wound and says, you were with Nazis, and she says, not on purpose. Then she yells at the floor and says, I won’t get to be an actor anymore. Then it’s over.

Then Bugs Bunny cartoon Hitler talks to himself somewhere.

The guy that is mad at Anne Frank for running away sees the dead people in the bar. He says, this is no good, and blames the movies. Then he finds a napkin and kisses it, which was kinda gross. I mean, it’s a napkin, and it was on a bar floor. I wouldn’t kiss a bar floor napkin for anything, but he just does it for fun, I think. Nazis are weird.

When Chapter Five starts, Anne Frank was in the attic of the movie theater looking out a window of the Death Star. She’s getting ready for war, kinda, and listening to David Bowie. I’m not sure how she knew about David Bowie, but it was okay because the song was cool. She even put on makeup like him. And then, she made movie like him, but probably not as good. You can’t be as good as Labyrinth. She makes a movie and then I think someone died because she put a black see-through thing over her face. She wears it, anyway, and goes out to see her guests.

Everyone is a Nazi in the movie theater and, to Anne Frank, that’s bad. But the movie points at the ones of the Nazi guys that are REALLY bad. She meets a German actor and he kisses her hand. Then it’s over.

The movie star shows up with Brad Pitt and two other basterds. They’re Italian then, but the movie star is still German. She has a cast on her leg from the wound that Brad put his finger in. The Anne Frank Hater guy sees her and says, what happened? And the movie star says, it was the mountain’s fault. The Hater guy laughs and ruins the party for everyone, but not forever. They go back to normal and it’s time watch the movie.

But not really. Anne Frank tells her movie theater friend, we’re going to burn down the Nazis, remember? Then I remembered. And so does her friend. Then a voice says, the movie is starting.

But it doesn’t. Movie star drinks champagne with Brad and the Anne Frank Hater. Then she goes into the back room with him, without Brad.

The Prince puts a shoe on Cinderella, kinda, and they talk for a bit. They don’t get married, though. He kills her and that’s not good. And then he steals Brad Pitt and that’s not good either. Then they all go to a bar.

The Hater guy says, I have a telephone that can end the war. And Brad Pitt says, you’re a liar. He did have a telephone in front of him, though. I probably would’ve believed him. Hater pours wine for everyone and says, BINGO!, but they weren’t playing bingo, so it didn’t make sense. They must’ve been playing bingo in their heads.

The other basterds in the theater walk out of the movie and find out that Hitler likes gum. Anne Frank is still watching the movie from the attic when her friend comes in and says, I’m gonna go burn down the Nazis now. They kiss and that was okay.

Fredrick shows up to annoy Anne Frank. He does a good job, apparently, because she shoots him. Then he shoots back. Then they both die in the attic.

The two basterds in the theater play dress up and punch Nazi guys with bullets. Then fire happens. Then more bullets. The basterd guys use real guns instead of punch bullets to shoot everyone. They shoot Hitler a lot more than everyone else, but he deserved it I guess. The theater gets blown up, then, and everyone dies.

Anne Frank Hater goes on a road trip with Brad Pitt and another basterd. He drops them off at the woods and says, I surrender. Then Brad Pitt says, good deal, and to show his appreciation, he puts art on Hater’s forehead. Then it’s over.