Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince is a movie about a book about five other books with one book after it and two more movies that are coming out based on that book. It is about the book, but not really, and it has a lot to do with Harry Potter falling in love with one girl and another one and another one. It is awesome.

Harry Potter is played by a boy who was naked with a horse once, but not like that. His friend is Ron and his other friend is Hermione. They’re wizards and have wands, but they can’t use them yet because they’re not old enough. They use them, though, and everyone’s okay with that.

First, Harry’s in the newspaper and he’s bleeding, but it’s just a picture so that’s okay. But a girl with lots of hair says, tell me about Harry Potter, and Harry Potter says, it’s not me. Then the girl says, okay, and likes him. Then Dumbledore shows up.

Dumbledore is like Merlin with a beard and magic, but his hand is weird. It looks like black skin. It’s not like black skin on black people because that would be like he left his hand out the window while driving in the sun. But it would have to be just his hand, and only part of it really, and it doesn’t look like that anyway. It looks like he touched fire with it. It’s kind of gross.

Dumbledore takes Harry away from the girl that likes him and shows him a house that’s broken. You can see the bones of the house and it has dragons’ blood. Dumbledore uses the part of his wand that is a flashlight and sees a chair. When he pokes the chair with his flashlight the chair says, oh no, and is a person then. The chair used to teach at Harry’s school and then he does again.

Some bad magic people that don’t like Harry Potter go to a house. They talk to another guy named Severus. He’s a teacher at Harry’s school too. He doesn’t like Harry, and Harry doesn’t like him, but Dumbledore likes them both so they’re kind of like friends that don’t really like each other. Severus holds hand with one of the bad guys, who is actually a bad girl, and their hands get burned together. Then it’s over.

Harry goes to a house and all his friends are there. They miss him and go to a toy store. A blonde boy walks by and the friends and Harry follow him. He’s buying a wardrobe. He doesn’t buy it, though and a woman kisses his cheek. Harry and Ron and Hermione don’t like that one bit.

On a train somewhere, Harry finds the blonde boy and sneaks up on him. The boy is angry and steps on Harry’s face. He’s bleeding then and it’s not a picture so that’s not okay. A weird girl sees Harry with magic glasses and she uses the part of her wand that is a doctor to fix his face. Then they go to school.

School looks fun. Harry and Ron look at people and then they go to class. It’s like a chemistry class mixed with a cooking class. Harry finds a book that isn’t his and he should give it back before he gets into trouble, but he doesn’t. He keeps it and then he does get into trouble. Deadly trouble. People start to bleed, but it’s only magic bleeding and everyone’s wand has a doctor in it, so it’s okay, kinda. They still bleed, though, and it’s trouble.

After that, Harry goes to see Dumbledore and he puts his face under water. He doesn’t drown, he goes back in time. He sees Dumbledore trying to adopt a kid. He burns his closet and the kid says, I can talk to snakes. Then it’s over.

Then everyone’s playing basketball on broomsticks.

The blonde hair kid goes to an imaginary room with an apple. It’s a green apple. He puts the green apple in a wardrobe like the one he was going to buy earlier, but it’s not the same one. It’s the sister of the one so they’re like twins. He puts the apple in there and it goes away. Then it comes back. Then he leaves with the apple.

Harry goes to a bar after that and tells his friend not to sit next to him. The teacher that used to be a chair sees him and says, hi. Harry says, hi. Then the man invites him to a party that he’s going to have later.

Then it’s the scary part. A girl is dead, kinda, and she’s in the middle of the road. She’s like a demon then. She flies in the air and does a whisper scream and everyone’s scared. Then she falls and she’s dead, kinda, again. Harry says, it’s the blonde kid’s fault, and everyone thinks he’s crazy, but they think the blonde kid is crazier so he’s not as crazy.

Harry goes to the party with the chair guy and other people. They have ice cream. A girl shows up late and she is Harry’s friend’s little sister. He likes her then.

Ron and Harry have to play basketball on broomsticks again and Ron does a good job so a girl with curly hair likes him. Apparently, Hermione liked him too and she’s not happy about the other girl liking him so she throws birds at him and the birds explode. They don’t hurt him, but they still explode and I thought Hermione liked birds just fine, so she must’ve been really angry.

The blonde boy takes his apple to the fake room again and puts it in the wardrobe again. When it disappears, it comes back, but not the same. It has a bite out of it. I suspected Narnia, but they didn’t say what it was.

There’s another party Harry goes with the weird girl that found him on a train. She looks like a jellyfish and Harry looks normal. At the party, everything’s fun and happy and the chair teacher takes pictures with everyone.

I think it was Christmas, but nobody says, but there’s a tree and lights and cakes and stuff. Nobody sings songs or opens presents, so it could’ve been wizard Christmas, or maybe it was Hanukah. Everyone is at the big house again with Harry’s friends and his friends’ family. Then fire happens. Everywhere. One of the bad guys that burned hands with Severus started it and she runs through tall grass and Harry follows her. His friend’s little sister follows too and soon they’re in water. Then the bad guy, the bad girl, puts fire in the house with her magic and nobody has a fireman in their wand so it burns down the house. It wasn’t a good Christmas that year.

Harry Potter goes back in time again and sees a boy talking to the chair man. The boy says, I like magic, and the chair man says, get out. Then Dumbledore’s confused and Harry’s confused and I was confused, but it was okay because they came back in time and showed Dumbledore’s burned hand again and I knew what was going on, kinda.

Then the blonde boy goes to the room that isn’t there with a bird. He puts the bird in the cabinet and it dies. Not for fake, but for definitely. It’s dead and the blonde boy is sad or angry or weird looking, anyway, and he leaves.

The demon girl is alive again, again, and she tells Harry that she doesn’t know what happened. Then the blonde boy comes in the room and looks funny again and Harry runs after him. Then that book gets him into magic blood trouble when he says words that were in the book. The boy gets cut and Severus is mad at Harry, but has to use his doctor powers to make the boy not cut. But he’s really angry.

Harry goes with his friends little sister to hide the bad book. They go to that imaginary room and Harry closes his eyes and the girl kisses him. He likes her and she likes him and they’re happy. For now, anyway.

Harry gets lucky, but not like that, and he talks to a giant person who has a dead spider and is crying. The chair teacher is there and cries too and gives Harry part of his memory. Then he goes back in time again and they show the scene where the boy says, I like magic, again. But the chair doesn’t say, get out. He says, you shouldn’t kill people because it’s bad. Then he says, get out. Then Dumbledore and Harry go to the beach.

The beach is rocky and windy so Harry and Dumbledore go in a cave. Dumbledore bleeds on the wall in the cave and it falls down and they see more water. There’s a boat under the water. Harry finds it. The two of them go to an island in the middle of the water that looks like Superman’s house.

There’s something to drink on the island and Dumbledore says, I want to drink it. Then he drinks it and says, I don’t want to drink it. Harry makes him drink all of it, though. They find a fake necklace and then more trouble.

Gollum is under the water in the cave and he brought his family and friends. They attack Harry and Dumbledore. But Dumbledore makes fire, like the bad girl did in the house, and they’re okay.

Back at the school, Harry and Dumbledore are okay still. Then they’re not okay. Bad magic people come from the Narnia cabinet and Severus doesn’t like Dumbledore anymore. He kills him and Harry is mad. He doesn’t do anything though, just stays mad. Then it’s over.

Dumbledore fell on the ground when he died and the people of the school, all of them, look down at him, but he doesn’t know because he’s dead. Magic dead. Everyone turns on their flashlights and points them in the sky. They’re all sad and that makes sense.

At the end, Harry still likes his friends little sister and Hermione says, your friend is okay with it, and they watch a bird fly and then I knew that Hermione was angry when she exploded those other birds, because she liked watching that bird at the end.

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is a commercial about how some cars don’t really like some other, bigger cars. Everything is shiny and fast and young except for the old people in it, who are like parents that tell you to stop playing with toys, but toys are fun and I won’t give them up.

Shia LaBeouf is Indiana Jones’ son again, but this time in the future. Megan Fox is hot in this movie.

At first, there’s a trailer for a movie called Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. Big machines don’t like the black people with sticks so they step on them. It didn’t say when it was coming out though and I thought that was what I was watching. I wasn’t sure at first.

Then some other big machines attack another, bigger machine and for the first time, shiny things blow up. I think people died too, but I was watching the shiny things. There were sparks too.

Shia is going to college, but his parents that don’t like that he’s going to college. They don’t like his girlfriend either. Then he finds a piece of metal in his jacket that shocks him. He’s okay, but his house gets shocked too and the house is not okay. It’s on fire. Machines come alive because of the shock fire and shoot at Shia. He’s okay because his friend, a car, saves his life. The car does not save the house’s life though. It blows it up a little bit.

Shia’s girlfriend shows up and they talk to the car. It cries and that was kind of funny. Then the boy and the hot girl look at each other saying that they’re not going to say something. They’re spinning around a lot and then they kiss and Shia goes to college. His mom and dad go too.

The college looks like fun. There’s computers and people everywhere. Shia makes a new friend and they live together. Then it’s over.

In space, there are monsters that are machines that used to be from earth, but not originally. They go back to earth to find a piece of metal that is much bigger than Shia’s piece of metal. The main guy in space is like the Rock Biter from The Neverending Story, but shinier. He sends a one-eyed, silver panther fish to get the bigger piece of metal, and the one-eyed, silver panther fish puts electronic marbles into a tube. The marbles turn into a camera and see the metal and say, that looks good. Then the camera takes it and blows some things up.

There’s a party at college and Shia goes to it. There is a girl that sits on his lap and follows him around and likes his car friend, but the car friend doesn’t like her. The car changes the radio to annoy her then spits in her face with green. That was kind of funny.

The car takes Shia to see his friend and the friend says, you should look out. Shia says, no, and he goes back to college.

Then Shia’s in college and he reads a book really fast and starts to see letters that he doesn’t know what they are. He runs back to his college room and a girl tries to kiss him. The girl kisses him. Then Shia’s girlfriend shows up and is not happy. She’s still his girlfriend, kinda, and they run away from the other girl because she’s actually not a girl. She’s a machine that hates cars. Shia and his girlfriend get in a car then and they kill the machine girl with it. It makes sense that she hates cars after that, but she’s not alive anymore so it doesn’t make sense. The machine girl must’ve only feared what she didn’t understand. Cars make noise and are fun. I want a car to be my friend like Shia.

There’s a big car from space that comes down to get Shia. He catches him, but not forever. He puts smaller machines inside Shia’s face and Shia doesn’t like it, but he’s okay. Then the cars that don’t like bigger cars stop the space car, but not forever.

There are space cars everywhere then and they kill Shia’s car friend’s friend. Nobody likes that, especially the president. He tells a guy to tell Army guys to stop playing with the big machines. They don’t want to, but they do anyway.

Then Shia runs away with his girlfriend, his car friend and his new friend. They go to a place where the new friend can get more bars on his phone. Then the new friend tells Shia that he’s a bad guy and he doesn’t want to be around him and they go to New York together.

In New York, they talk to a guy that cuts meat. He’s the guy that licks a bowling ball in another movie. That was gross, but he’s not the same guy in this one so it’s less gross. Meat cutter tells Shia to watch out and Shia says, I will. Then they all go to a museum.

There are planes in the museum that can talk and one of them doesn’t like big cars either. He tells them to go to Egypt. Then he takes them to Egypt.

The cars from space come down and they don’t like America. They hurt Army guys. They hurt Army guys’ ships too. Army is mad at them for hurting them.

Then Shia breaks his arm. I think it happened when his car crashed in Egypt, but I don’t know. He’s okay though and his girlfriend is like a doctor and puts gauze on it.

The police don’t like Shia LaBeouf in Egypt. They chase him for absolutely no reason and I was mad at them. But it’s okay because they go to the pyramids and that’s cool. One of Shia’s car friends’ friends breaks a wall and they find old car haters that are dead. They’re hiding a secret power called The Matrix. Shia picks it up and it turns into black sand. He says, that’s good enough, and puts the sand in a sock. Then he can dodge bullets.

Shia runs because the cars are fighting all around him. The cars are shooting bullets all over, but Shia’s okay because he still has the sock. Then he’s not okay because the bullets are bigger than bullets. Like missiles. They blow up and Shia is like Kerri Strugg then. He flips a lot and lands bad. He’s dead, kinda, and he dreams that he’s not dead and when he wakes up, he’s not dead. Then his girlfriend says what she said she wasn’t going to say earlier and Shia says it too. They kiss and I was glad.

While Shia was sleeping, the black sand turned back into The Matrix and everyone was happy. He puts The Matrix in his car friend’s friend’s chest and he turns alive again. Then the friend kills the Rock Biter and blows up the pyramids. That was cool.

Later, Shia is on an Army ship and it looks like Top Gun with a big machine in the background. Then it was directed by Michael Bay.

Public Enemies

Public Enemies is a home video about John Dillinger, a bad guy that nobody likes, except for everyone. He has blue eyes.

Johnny Depp plays a pirate again but not the same as before. He has weird hair in this movie too, but it’s shorter. His beard is less too. It’s only a mustache in the movie and only sometimes, anyway. His gun is bigger. He calls it Thompson. I’d name my gun something else. Something shorter, probably.

Christian Bale isn’t Batman and he doesn’t yell in this movie, which is weird. His name is Melvin.

The pirate breaks his friends out of jail and uses real guns. One of his friends is dumb and the pirate doesn’t like it and is gonna make him walk the plank. But they’re in a car so he just pushes him out the door. That guy dies or something.

In the woods, Batman shoots a guy named Floyd and he dies. Then Batman kind of tries to smile or frown or something and the scene is over.

Then there’s a bank robbery and Johnny Depp gets money. He celebrates by falling in love with a stranger and forces her to come home with him. She runs away from him, but he finds her at work and takes her home with him again. Then they intercourse.

Batman graduates because this guy that used to wear women’s clothes says it’s a good idea. He gets told to hunt John Dillinger, but not like in the woods. He has to hunt him in public like the enemy he is. The name of the movie comes from that. There was a movie like that with Ice-T. He’s a homeless guy that gets hunted too. Johnny Depp isn’t homeless, but gets hunted anyway, so this movie is different.

There’s another bank robbery where Dillinger gets more money. A guy gives him his money and Dillinger says, no thanks. He’s like Robin Hood then.

The police try to find Johnny Depp’s car but they miss and a FBI guy dies instead. Nobody’s happy about that. Especially Batman. He talks to the cross-dresser guy and gets bigger guys to hunt Johnny Depp.

After that other bank robbery, Johnny Depp has a mustache. He goes to a hotel to sex the girl he loves again. She has a boy’s name. It’s Billie. When she takes a bath, some FBI guys come into the room and take Dillinger away. The naked girl gets out of the bathtub, but you don’t see anything.

The pirate goes to jail after that but he doesn’t have a mustache anymore. Then Melvin sees him and they both kinda smile or frown at each other. Then it’s over.

Johnny Depp makes a toy gun out of wood and pokes jail guys with it. They get scared and do what he says. He gets real guns then and breaks out of jail for good. He takes a police car through town and then drives fast and sings a song.

Then Batman is angry again.

Dillinger meets a guy named Baby Face Nelson. He’s a man and not a baby at all, but that’s his name anyway. They rob a bank together and the baby guy shoots a lot of people and laughs. Johnny Depp doesn’t like him anymore and they go to Wisconsin. Before they fall asleep, Melvin and some other FBI guys start shooting at the hotel. It looks like Fourth of July at my grandma’s house and the sound is funny. Johnny Depp doesn’t die then, but everyone else does except the FBI guys. They kill the baby and a few FBI men get hurt, but not all of them. Some of the hurt guys die, though and Batman is angry again.

Batman is angry a lot and the other FBI guys try to make him feel better by stealing the girl that Johnny Depp loves. They hit her in the face and she pees her pants. Actually, she’s wearing a dress. She pees her dress. Then she goes to jail.

Johnny Depp says, I’m gonna do one more robbery and quit. He meets new people to live with before he steals more money and one of them is a girl from a different country who likes orange clothes. She meets with angry Batman and he says, I’ll let you be American if you help me hunt Dillinger. And she says, that sounds good.

Dillinger and the foreign girl go with one more girl to see a movie. The foreign girl wears an orange dress and Johnny Depp wears a hat. Not like a pirate hat, just a hat. Batman knows that Dillinger likes movies, so he waits outside with his FBI guys to talk to Johnny Depp when the movie they’re watching is over.

It’s confusing a little bit because Dillinger and those girls are watching a movie, but I was watching the movie too. I was also watching Public Enemies, but not when I was watching the movie that they were watching because that movie was not Public Enemies. At the same time, I was still watching Public Enemies. I was glad when the movie that they were watching was over because it felt like a mind game or something.

When the movie is over—the one they were watching, not the one I was watching—Johnny Depp comes out with his hat on. The FBI guys go after him and shoot him a lot. Then he dies and tries to whisper something but nobody knows what he says.

Then this one guy knows what he says and tells the girl with the boy’s name what he said. He said that he said, bye bye, birdie, which wasn’t a very good movie to talk about because it was a musical about going steady with boys. I don’t think Johnny Depp likes going steady with boys and I don’t think he likes musicals either. He was in musicals though, so maybe I’m not right to think that.