Inglourious Basterds

Inglourious Basterds is a documentary about how Hitler wasn’t any good. He had a lot of guys on his side, but he used guns for it, so it still wasn’t any good. Also, he was scared of bears. Jewish Bears, anyway.

Brad Pitt was a basterd in the movie with a scar on his neck. He had an under bite and talked funny like he did in that one movie where he was a boxer and that other movie when he moved in with Han Solo.

Austin Powers was in this movie too, but he went back in time instead of forward in time. He must’ve gotten braces before World War II, when he was in the future, because he had different teeth in this movie. He didn’t bring his girlfriend from the other movies either, so that wasn’t fun.

Before the movie, I bought peanut M&M’s and that part was pretty good.

At first, when the movies starts, it says Chapter One on the screen and I thought, oh no I’m gonna have to read, like a book, but then I remembered it was a movie and that was okay. And then the guys on the screen that weren’t Austin Powers or Brad Pitt talked in sound effects or a different language. They had to put real words on the screen so I could know what they were saying, and it turns out I did have to read the movie like a book. But then the guys didn’t really say anything, so I started looking at the people in the seats next to me.

Eventually one guy wrote on the screen by talking and it said, hey do you know English, and the other guy said, WEE!, and they talked in English and I didn’t have to read anymore, for a little bit. Then when the guys talked in English, they didn’t really say anything except about rats and how nobody likes rats. And that was fine, I guess, but I didn’t know why rats were brought up at all. But it didn’t matter because the guy that said WEE! was hiding Anne Frank in the basement and the other guys shot at her, but she ran away into the future.

Then it was Chapter Two and Brad Pitt was talking to some younger guys about Nazis. He says, they’re bad, and everyone, says, yep, and they decide that they’re going to kill Nazis, which is probably a good idea since they’re in war against them.

Then they show a Bugs Bunny cartoon, kinda, and Hitler is silly and angry and it’s funny. It’s real people and not drawings, but it’s still funny. He has such a silly mustache. Hitler says, no more Jewish bears. Then it’s over.

The basterds come back and cut off Nazi hair. They keep a couple guys alive and talk to them for a little bit. Brad Pitt says, do you know this one guy, and one of the Nazis says, yep.

I didn’t know him though, but it was okay because the guy from Snakes on a Plane did a flashback and told everyone who he was. The movie was like the History Channel, then. Mace Windu said that the one guy liked to kill Nazis and the basterds liked to too so they said, you should come with us. Then he comes with them.

It goes back to Brad Pitt and he says, tell me about snipers. The Nazi says, no way, and swears at Brad, but Brad doesn’t like that. He says, come here Jewish bear, and then they show a dark tunnel that has a clicking noise in it. Then they show the Nazi guys face. Then the tunnel again. Then the guys face again. Then I ate some M&M’s. Then they showed the tunnel again. Then the Nazi guys face again. Then a guy walks out with a baseball bat. Brad Pitt said, this is a bear, but it looked like a guy to me. He didn’t have fur and he didn’t growl or anything, he just liked baseball, which didn’t seem like something bears enjoyed at all. He had a bat, anyway, but he didn’t hit baseballs with it. He hit faces. He hit the Nazi guys face with it and the Nazi guy died. It was pretty cool.

Then it was Chapter Three. Anne Frank owned a movie theater and talked in French. They must have left that part out of her diary. She meets a Nazi guy and the Nazi guy says, I like movies, but Anne Frank is not impressed. She shows him her diary though and he says, my names Fredrick, and Anne Frank walks away.

Later, Anne Frank is smoking and reading and eating and Fredrick shows up. She says, you’re a Nazi, and he says, yep. Then she walks away again.

She goes to dinner with some other Nazi guys and Fredrick is there. He says, I’m in a movie. Then the guy who shot at her in the beginning of the movie is there too. He says, I want strudel, and he orders some for Anne and she doesn’t want it but eats it anyway. Then the guy says, I like cream, and Anne Frank cries. Then it’s over.

Anne Frank talks to her friend at the movie theater and says, we’re going to burn down the theater with the Nazis in it. I knew what she meant, but the leader of S.H.I.E.L.D. explains it anyway. It was like science class then, and I ran out of M&M’s.

It’s Chapter Four when Austin Powers comes in. I think time travel was not good for him. He looks older in the past than in the future. He says, you’re going to kill Nazis, to a British guy and the guy says, okay. Then he says, you’re going to meet up with a movie star too, and the other guy says, okay. Then he goes to France.

The British guy goes to a bar with two basterds and the movie star and they play a card game with a Nazi. It wasn't just any card game, it was a guessing game. They explained the rules really well, but I forgot what they were. It looked like fun, though. And there was drinking too. Good drinking. I wanted to be there.

But then I didn’t want to be there. Because the Nazi guy gets shot in his peepers. Then everyone gets shot, but not in the peepers. They get shot in the life, and die. Except the movie star. She was too pretty. She only gets shot in the leg and Brad Pitt saves her, kinda.

Brad Pitt puts his finger in the movie star, but not like that. He pokes her in her wound and says, you were with Nazis, and she says, not on purpose. Then she yells at the floor and says, I won’t get to be an actor anymore. Then it’s over.

Then Bugs Bunny cartoon Hitler talks to himself somewhere.

The guy that is mad at Anne Frank for running away sees the dead people in the bar. He says, this is no good, and blames the movies. Then he finds a napkin and kisses it, which was kinda gross. I mean, it’s a napkin, and it was on a bar floor. I wouldn’t kiss a bar floor napkin for anything, but he just does it for fun, I think. Nazis are weird.

When Chapter Five starts, Anne Frank was in the attic of the movie theater looking out a window of the Death Star. She’s getting ready for war, kinda, and listening to David Bowie. I’m not sure how she knew about David Bowie, but it was okay because the song was cool. She even put on makeup like him. And then, she made movie like him, but probably not as good. You can’t be as good as Labyrinth. She makes a movie and then I think someone died because she put a black see-through thing over her face. She wears it, anyway, and goes out to see her guests.

Everyone is a Nazi in the movie theater and, to Anne Frank, that’s bad. But the movie points at the ones of the Nazi guys that are REALLY bad. She meets a German actor and he kisses her hand. Then it’s over.

The movie star shows up with Brad Pitt and two other basterds. They’re Italian then, but the movie star is still German. She has a cast on her leg from the wound that Brad put his finger in. The Anne Frank Hater guy sees her and says, what happened? And the movie star says, it was the mountain’s fault. The Hater guy laughs and ruins the party for everyone, but not forever. They go back to normal and it’s time watch the movie.

But not really. Anne Frank tells her movie theater friend, we’re going to burn down the Nazis, remember? Then I remembered. And so does her friend. Then a voice says, the movie is starting.

But it doesn’t. Movie star drinks champagne with Brad and the Anne Frank Hater. Then she goes into the back room with him, without Brad.

The Prince puts a shoe on Cinderella, kinda, and they talk for a bit. They don’t get married, though. He kills her and that’s not good. And then he steals Brad Pitt and that’s not good either. Then they all go to a bar.

The Hater guy says, I have a telephone that can end the war. And Brad Pitt says, you’re a liar. He did have a telephone in front of him, though. I probably would’ve believed him. Hater pours wine for everyone and says, BINGO!, but they weren’t playing bingo, so it didn’t make sense. They must’ve been playing bingo in their heads.

The other basterds in the theater walk out of the movie and find out that Hitler likes gum. Anne Frank is still watching the movie from the attic when her friend comes in and says, I’m gonna go burn down the Nazis now. They kiss and that was okay.

Fredrick shows up to annoy Anne Frank. He does a good job, apparently, because she shoots him. Then he shoots back. Then they both die in the attic.

The two basterds in the theater play dress up and punch Nazi guys with bullets. Then fire happens. Then more bullets. The basterd guys use real guns instead of punch bullets to shoot everyone. They shoot Hitler a lot more than everyone else, but he deserved it I guess. The theater gets blown up, then, and everyone dies.

Anne Frank Hater goes on a road trip with Brad Pitt and another basterd. He drops them off at the woods and says, I surrender. Then Brad Pitt says, good deal, and to show his appreciation, he puts art on Hater’s forehead. Then it’s over.

G. I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra

G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra is a video game about tiny, little monsters that can eat metal or control your mind, but it doesn’t work if you’re in love. It will work a little while, though, so I guess it still does work, kinda.

Channing Tatum was the main toy that you don’t get to play with. His name is Duke. He looked just like an action figure and he even had the same stiff movements sometimes. Pretty cool. Marlon Wayans is named Ripcord, which I thought didn’t sound like a person’s name at all. He’s the funny guy in this movie, like he was in Scary Movie and Requiem for a Dream. But he doesn’t do drugs in this movie, so it’s different. It also has that guy from Enemy Mine, that kid with the long hair from 3^rd Rock from the Sun and two really pretty girls that I’m sure had names too.

The movie starts with a scene from Man in the Iron Mask, but it’s not Leonardo DiCaprio, it’s a Scottish guy with long hair. Some French people tell him, you’re a bad guy, and the Scottish guy says, so are you. Then they put a hot metal mask on his face and he doesn’t like it.

Then it’s the future, but not too far, but way far from the past, I think. They didn’t really say. There’s another Scottish guy and he owns Mars. He’s selling tiny, little monsters that can eat tanks if you let them. The Scottish guy lets them and everyone says, cool. Except there’s one guy who does not think it is cool. It’s the guy from Enemy Mine. He’s not angry, but he looked uncomfortable.

America likes the metal eaters and buys some and has the army deliver them to somewhere. The scar guy and the Wayans guy take a briefcase with the monsters into an army car. Then it turns into War of the Worlds. Aliens show up and blow up the army car and I think Duke gets mad. He says he is, but I couldn’t tell. His face didn’t change or anything. He really stuck to his character. One of the pretty girls is leading the aliens. She looks like Britney Spears and does a fight with Duke that looks like a dance. Then Duke says, you’re my ex-girlfriend, and she says, yeah, and the G. I. Joe guys show up and kill the aliens. The girl gets away, though and then Duke has the briefcase, but the Joes want it so they point guns at him. He says, take me with you, and they say, no way. Then they all go to Egypt.

In the desert, underground, is the G. I. Joe summer camp. They do karate and swimming and one girl turns invisible. If I was Duke, I would have wanted to go with them too. But I would’ve smiled when I saw all the stuff they got to do, so I probably wouldn’t have been invited.

The guy from Enemy Mine is called Hawk, but he’s not a bird. He calls the guy that owns Mars and that guy is a hologram then. He walks through Ripcord and Ripcord shivers a little. Then the hologram looks at the case with the monsters in it and says, they’re okay, and then he disappears.

The Joes use computers to find Britney Spears. Duke says, I know her, and they say, knowing is half the battle, and then it goes back in time through a girls hair.

Four years earlier from somewhere, Duke is swing dancing and buys a girl a ring. She says, save my brother. Then it’s over.

In the future, or four years later, or in Egypt, at least, the Joes train Duke and Ripcord to be one of them. They give them really expensive metal suits and guns. Duke has to play jousting with another guy while Brendan Fraser watches and laughs.

I’m not sure what he was doing there. I thought maybe he was looking for another mummy in Egypt and got lost, but it didn’t say what time we were in, so I wasn’t sure. He leaves, anyway, and that was okay.

The bad guys break into Joe Camp and they kill a bunch of people. The bad guys have a ninja and the good guys have a ninja too and the ninjas fight. Nobody wins and the bad guys steal the briefcase and leave. Then we go to Tokyo through someone’s glasses and they show a scene from 3 Ninjas. It’s Rocky and Tum Tum fighting because Tum Tum is hungry, but Rocky doesn’t want him to eat so he beats him up. Then a guy with a long mustache tells them to stop and they do. Then they’re brothers.

In the future, in someplace we haven’t seen yet, the bad guys have a Darth Vader Scientist put the little monsters into peoples’ bodies and then he controls their minds. A snake bites one of them and the guy lets it bite him. Then it’s over.

After the scar guy and the Wayans guy get trained, they all go to France. The bad guys are there too. They brought the briefcase. They all fight and run through the streets of France. Then the bad guys shoot a gun with the monsters in it and it eats the Eiffel Tower and nobody likes that. Especially the French police. They arrest the G. I. Joe guys and tell them, never come back to France. Then they let them go and Duke gets on a plane with his ex-girlfriend and goes to the Aurora Borealis.

The bad guy Scientist puts more monsters in a guy that whistles, “For He’s a Jolly Good Fellow”. He whistles it for a while when the monsters go in him, but then he screams. And his face looks all funny. It bubbles up and he didn’t look good.

The Joes follow the plane that Duke got on and they get a submarine and go underwater with it and find the bad guys’ base. Then they have a space battle underwater. With sharks. The bad guys are losing then. They turn on their Death Star and shoot a big beam at one of the submarines. Everyone says, oh no, and they tell the good ninja to be Obi Wan and shut it down. Then he does.

Duke gets beat up and his ex-girlfriend remembers things that she forgot.

The good ninja goes and finds the bad ninja and they show another scene from 3 Ninjas. It must’ve been the director’s cut, though, because Rocky kills the guy with the long mustache with a sword and Tum Tum doesn’t like that. Probably because he has to find his own food now.

Then Duke meets Darth Vader Scientist and the owner of Mars says, you’re gonna get monsters in your brain, and beats him up a little more. It’s weird, because every time he gets punched his ex-girlfriend remembers more things and she can’t stop looking at Duke. He doesn’t really seem too worried about it, though. He doesn’t even seem worried about the monsters that will be going into his brain either. His face looks like he’s made of plastic and can’t move it. I never saw this guy before, but he must’ve been a really good actor.

The two ninjas are done watching 3 Ninjas and they fight together. The good ninja cuts the bad ninja’s shirt off and pushes him into ice water. Then it’s over.

Then Darth Scientist is about to put the monsters in Duke’s head but his ex-girlfriend remembers that she loves him, so she pushes Darth Vader on the ground, and Duke’s okay. But the scientist wakes up and pushes a button and the ex-girlfriend get pushed on the ground. Darth Vader Scientist laughs and says, she’s my sister, and Duke says, but you’re dead, and Darth says, nope.

The Scottish guy shows up and looks at the girl on the ground, then her Darth brother, then Duke and then a pipe that looks like it could shoot fire. Then it shoots fire. The Scottish guy is happy because Duke is going to be on fire, but Duke found a gun that shoots air and it blows the fire back and the Scottish guy is not happy anymore. He’s on fire. Then Darth Scientist and the Scottish guy run away into a ship that flies through water.

Duke’s ex-girlfriend is his girlfriend again, kinda, and they both run after the other two guys. It’s weird though because Duke’s girlfriend kissed the Scottish Mars guy earlier and then the next scene she loves Duke. She also spent most of the movie beating him up and taking his briefcase, but then when she stops Darth Scientist from putting the monsters in him, he says, that’s all I ever wanted, and they’re in love again. I guess that’s what love is.

In the space battle, outside, underwater, the Joes are still winning. They were always winning, I think. But the Scottish guy and the Scientist blow up their base and everyone has to leave.

Then Darth helps Mars with his burned body and turns him into more of a machine, now, than man. He puts monsters into his body that make metal instead of eat metal and then his face turns shiny. The Scientist says, I’m a commander, and silver face says, okay. The G. I. Joes are waiting outside their ship while the Emperor finishes Anakin’s transformation and they take them to jail. Electronic jail. Then everyone in the world is safe because America is better at war than the bad guys.

But then they’re not safe, because the president is whistling at the end. He’s whistling, “For He’s a Jolly Good Fellow.” He’s a bad guy, then, and the world is in trouble, but it’s America’s fault.

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince is a movie about a book about five other books with one book after it and two more movies that are coming out based on that book. It is about the book, but not really, and it has a lot to do with Harry Potter falling in love with one girl and another one and another one. It is awesome.

Harry Potter is played by a boy who was naked with a horse once, but not like that. His friend is Ron and his other friend is Hermione. They’re wizards and have wands, but they can’t use them yet because they’re not old enough. They use them, though, and everyone’s okay with that.

First, Harry’s in the newspaper and he’s bleeding, but it’s just a picture so that’s okay. But a girl with lots of hair says, tell me about Harry Potter, and Harry Potter says, it’s not me. Then the girl says, okay, and likes him. Then Dumbledore shows up.

Dumbledore is like Merlin with a beard and magic, but his hand is weird. It looks like black skin. It’s not like black skin on black people because that would be like he left his hand out the window while driving in the sun. But it would have to be just his hand, and only part of it really, and it doesn’t look like that anyway. It looks like he touched fire with it. It’s kind of gross.

Dumbledore takes Harry away from the girl that likes him and shows him a house that’s broken. You can see the bones of the house and it has dragons’ blood. Dumbledore uses the part of his wand that is a flashlight and sees a chair. When he pokes the chair with his flashlight the chair says, oh no, and is a person then. The chair used to teach at Harry’s school and then he does again.

Some bad magic people that don’t like Harry Potter go to a house. They talk to another guy named Severus. He’s a teacher at Harry’s school too. He doesn’t like Harry, and Harry doesn’t like him, but Dumbledore likes them both so they’re kind of like friends that don’t really like each other. Severus holds hand with one of the bad guys, who is actually a bad girl, and their hands get burned together. Then it’s over.

Harry goes to a house and all his friends are there. They miss him and go to a toy store. A blonde boy walks by and the friends and Harry follow him. He’s buying a wardrobe. He doesn’t buy it, though and a woman kisses his cheek. Harry and Ron and Hermione don’t like that one bit.

On a train somewhere, Harry finds the blonde boy and sneaks up on him. The boy is angry and steps on Harry’s face. He’s bleeding then and it’s not a picture so that’s not okay. A weird girl sees Harry with magic glasses and she uses the part of her wand that is a doctor to fix his face. Then they go to school.

School looks fun. Harry and Ron look at people and then they go to class. It’s like a chemistry class mixed with a cooking class. Harry finds a book that isn’t his and he should give it back before he gets into trouble, but he doesn’t. He keeps it and then he does get into trouble. Deadly trouble. People start to bleed, but it’s only magic bleeding and everyone’s wand has a doctor in it, so it’s okay, kinda. They still bleed, though, and it’s trouble.

After that, Harry goes to see Dumbledore and he puts his face under water. He doesn’t drown, he goes back in time. He sees Dumbledore trying to adopt a kid. He burns his closet and the kid says, I can talk to snakes. Then it’s over.

Then everyone’s playing basketball on broomsticks.

The blonde hair kid goes to an imaginary room with an apple. It’s a green apple. He puts the green apple in a wardrobe like the one he was going to buy earlier, but it’s not the same one. It’s the sister of the one so they’re like twins. He puts the apple in there and it goes away. Then it comes back. Then he leaves with the apple.

Harry goes to a bar after that and tells his friend not to sit next to him. The teacher that used to be a chair sees him and says, hi. Harry says, hi. Then the man invites him to a party that he’s going to have later.

Then it’s the scary part. A girl is dead, kinda, and she’s in the middle of the road. She’s like a demon then. She flies in the air and does a whisper scream and everyone’s scared. Then she falls and she’s dead, kinda, again. Harry says, it’s the blonde kid’s fault, and everyone thinks he’s crazy, but they think the blonde kid is crazier so he’s not as crazy.

Harry goes to the party with the chair guy and other people. They have ice cream. A girl shows up late and she is Harry’s friend’s little sister. He likes her then.

Ron and Harry have to play basketball on broomsticks again and Ron does a good job so a girl with curly hair likes him. Apparently, Hermione liked him too and she’s not happy about the other girl liking him so she throws birds at him and the birds explode. They don’t hurt him, but they still explode and I thought Hermione liked birds just fine, so she must’ve been really angry.

The blonde boy takes his apple to the fake room again and puts it in the wardrobe again. When it disappears, it comes back, but not the same. It has a bite out of it. I suspected Narnia, but they didn’t say what it was.

There’s another party Harry goes with the weird girl that found him on a train. She looks like a jellyfish and Harry looks normal. At the party, everything’s fun and happy and the chair teacher takes pictures with everyone.

I think it was Christmas, but nobody says, but there’s a tree and lights and cakes and stuff. Nobody sings songs or opens presents, so it could’ve been wizard Christmas, or maybe it was Hanukah. Everyone is at the big house again with Harry’s friends and his friends’ family. Then fire happens. Everywhere. One of the bad guys that burned hands with Severus started it and she runs through tall grass and Harry follows her. His friend’s little sister follows too and soon they’re in water. Then the bad guy, the bad girl, puts fire in the house with her magic and nobody has a fireman in their wand so it burns down the house. It wasn’t a good Christmas that year.

Harry Potter goes back in time again and sees a boy talking to the chair man. The boy says, I like magic, and the chair man says, get out. Then Dumbledore’s confused and Harry’s confused and I was confused, but it was okay because they came back in time and showed Dumbledore’s burned hand again and I knew what was going on, kinda.

Then the blonde boy goes to the room that isn’t there with a bird. He puts the bird in the cabinet and it dies. Not for fake, but for definitely. It’s dead and the blonde boy is sad or angry or weird looking, anyway, and he leaves.

The demon girl is alive again, again, and she tells Harry that she doesn’t know what happened. Then the blonde boy comes in the room and looks funny again and Harry runs after him. Then that book gets him into magic blood trouble when he says words that were in the book. The boy gets cut and Severus is mad at Harry, but has to use his doctor powers to make the boy not cut. But he’s really angry.

Harry goes with his friends little sister to hide the bad book. They go to that imaginary room and Harry closes his eyes and the girl kisses him. He likes her and she likes him and they’re happy. For now, anyway.

Harry gets lucky, but not like that, and he talks to a giant person who has a dead spider and is crying. The chair teacher is there and cries too and gives Harry part of his memory. Then he goes back in time again and they show the scene where the boy says, I like magic, again. But the chair doesn’t say, get out. He says, you shouldn’t kill people because it’s bad. Then he says, get out. Then Dumbledore and Harry go to the beach.

The beach is rocky and windy so Harry and Dumbledore go in a cave. Dumbledore bleeds on the wall in the cave and it falls down and they see more water. There’s a boat under the water. Harry finds it. The two of them go to an island in the middle of the water that looks like Superman’s house.

There’s something to drink on the island and Dumbledore says, I want to drink it. Then he drinks it and says, I don’t want to drink it. Harry makes him drink all of it, though. They find a fake necklace and then more trouble.

Gollum is under the water in the cave and he brought his family and friends. They attack Harry and Dumbledore. But Dumbledore makes fire, like the bad girl did in the house, and they’re okay.

Back at the school, Harry and Dumbledore are okay still. Then they’re not okay. Bad magic people come from the Narnia cabinet and Severus doesn’t like Dumbledore anymore. He kills him and Harry is mad. He doesn’t do anything though, just stays mad. Then it’s over.

Dumbledore fell on the ground when he died and the people of the school, all of them, look down at him, but he doesn’t know because he’s dead. Magic dead. Everyone turns on their flashlights and points them in the sky. They’re all sad and that makes sense.

At the end, Harry still likes his friends little sister and Hermione says, your friend is okay with it, and they watch a bird fly and then I knew that Hermione was angry when she exploded those other birds, because she liked watching that bird at the end.

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is a commercial about how some cars don’t really like some other, bigger cars. Everything is shiny and fast and young except for the old people in it, who are like parents that tell you to stop playing with toys, but toys are fun and I won’t give them up.

Shia LaBeouf is Indiana Jones’ son again, but this time in the future. Megan Fox is hot in this movie.

At first, there’s a trailer for a movie called Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen. Big machines don’t like the black people with sticks so they step on them. It didn’t say when it was coming out though and I thought that was what I was watching. I wasn’t sure at first.

Then some other big machines attack another, bigger machine and for the first time, shiny things blow up. I think people died too, but I was watching the shiny things. There were sparks too.

Shia is going to college, but his parents that don’t like that he’s going to college. They don’t like his girlfriend either. Then he finds a piece of metal in his jacket that shocks him. He’s okay, but his house gets shocked too and the house is not okay. It’s on fire. Machines come alive because of the shock fire and shoot at Shia. He’s okay because his friend, a car, saves his life. The car does not save the house’s life though. It blows it up a little bit.

Shia’s girlfriend shows up and they talk to the car. It cries and that was kind of funny. Then the boy and the hot girl look at each other saying that they’re not going to say something. They’re spinning around a lot and then they kiss and Shia goes to college. His mom and dad go too.

The college looks like fun. There’s computers and people everywhere. Shia makes a new friend and they live together. Then it’s over.

In space, there are monsters that are machines that used to be from earth, but not originally. They go back to earth to find a piece of metal that is much bigger than Shia’s piece of metal. The main guy in space is like the Rock Biter from The Neverending Story, but shinier. He sends a one-eyed, silver panther fish to get the bigger piece of metal, and the one-eyed, silver panther fish puts electronic marbles into a tube. The marbles turn into a camera and see the metal and say, that looks good. Then the camera takes it and blows some things up.

There’s a party at college and Shia goes to it. There is a girl that sits on his lap and follows him around and likes his car friend, but the car friend doesn’t like her. The car changes the radio to annoy her then spits in her face with green. That was kind of funny.

The car takes Shia to see his friend and the friend says, you should look out. Shia says, no, and he goes back to college.

Then Shia’s in college and he reads a book really fast and starts to see letters that he doesn’t know what they are. He runs back to his college room and a girl tries to kiss him. The girl kisses him. Then Shia’s girlfriend shows up and is not happy. She’s still his girlfriend, kinda, and they run away from the other girl because she’s actually not a girl. She’s a machine that hates cars. Shia and his girlfriend get in a car then and they kill the machine girl with it. It makes sense that she hates cars after that, but she’s not alive anymore so it doesn’t make sense. The machine girl must’ve only feared what she didn’t understand. Cars make noise and are fun. I want a car to be my friend like Shia.

There’s a big car from space that comes down to get Shia. He catches him, but not forever. He puts smaller machines inside Shia’s face and Shia doesn’t like it, but he’s okay. Then the cars that don’t like bigger cars stop the space car, but not forever.

There are space cars everywhere then and they kill Shia’s car friend’s friend. Nobody likes that, especially the president. He tells a guy to tell Army guys to stop playing with the big machines. They don’t want to, but they do anyway.

Then Shia runs away with his girlfriend, his car friend and his new friend. They go to a place where the new friend can get more bars on his phone. Then the new friend tells Shia that he’s a bad guy and he doesn’t want to be around him and they go to New York together.

In New York, they talk to a guy that cuts meat. He’s the guy that licks a bowling ball in another movie. That was gross, but he’s not the same guy in this one so it’s less gross. Meat cutter tells Shia to watch out and Shia says, I will. Then they all go to a museum.

There are planes in the museum that can talk and one of them doesn’t like big cars either. He tells them to go to Egypt. Then he takes them to Egypt.

The cars from space come down and they don’t like America. They hurt Army guys. They hurt Army guys’ ships too. Army is mad at them for hurting them.

Then Shia breaks his arm. I think it happened when his car crashed in Egypt, but I don’t know. He’s okay though and his girlfriend is like a doctor and puts gauze on it.

The police don’t like Shia LaBeouf in Egypt. They chase him for absolutely no reason and I was mad at them. But it’s okay because they go to the pyramids and that’s cool. One of Shia’s car friends’ friends breaks a wall and they find old car haters that are dead. They’re hiding a secret power called The Matrix. Shia picks it up and it turns into black sand. He says, that’s good enough, and puts the sand in a sock. Then he can dodge bullets.

Shia runs because the cars are fighting all around him. The cars are shooting bullets all over, but Shia’s okay because he still has the sock. Then he’s not okay because the bullets are bigger than bullets. Like missiles. They blow up and Shia is like Kerri Strugg then. He flips a lot and lands bad. He’s dead, kinda, and he dreams that he’s not dead and when he wakes up, he’s not dead. Then his girlfriend says what she said she wasn’t going to say earlier and Shia says it too. They kiss and I was glad.

While Shia was sleeping, the black sand turned back into The Matrix and everyone was happy. He puts The Matrix in his car friend’s friend’s chest and he turns alive again. Then the friend kills the Rock Biter and blows up the pyramids. That was cool.

Later, Shia is on an Army ship and it looks like Top Gun with a big machine in the background. Then it was directed by Michael Bay.